I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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