is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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