you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
