Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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