I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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