i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
