Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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