sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
not ubering you a puppy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
