Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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