My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
