Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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