Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
