Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
