You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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