She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
