Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
