and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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