You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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