That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
