They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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