yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
