I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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