It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
