I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
