Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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