Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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