1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
