Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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