Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
