A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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