i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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