just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
two words: eviction party
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
