Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize