Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
