Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
