My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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