i just wanna soil my oats bro
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
