It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
