so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
