can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
