he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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