Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize