Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
