Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
