I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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