GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
