The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
