The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
