Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Randomize
