We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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