Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
