I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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