I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
