Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
