you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
