just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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