hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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