Got a toothbrush?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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