She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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