Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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